healing

it's never easy. i spent a good part of my afternoon at the wound clinic. it appears that i have a tiny spot of my incision that is not healing properly. i won't bore you (or gross you out) with the details, but hopefully the course of treatment will help me be all better soon.

"my wound has to heal from the inside out"-- i've said those words many times since friday to people who have asked how my post-op visit went. but, tonight that simple sentence just took on a whole new meaning.

so many people hurt...i'm not the only person with a story of struggle, and i am definitely not the one with the most tragic story. when i look around i am so blessed.

however, since my surgery i truly feel healing from the inside out...not physically, but emotionally...spiritually. it seems kind of wierd that a surgery to hopefully "cure" my infertility would be the thing that helps me be okay if i never conceive, but it has. over the last two weeks i've come to the conclusion that i've done almost everything that human hands can do.

dr. honea told me that she was able to remove everything that needed to come out, and we would work aggressively to get pregnant to try to beat it before it grows back. so, that is the plan. i will continue to seek infertility treatments over the next few months, but if the tumors and adenomyosis beat me...then...oh gosh...can't believe i'm saying this...I'M DONE. if that happens i'm not going to act like i won't be crushed. i will be crushed. His grace is sufficient.

When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

Psalm 73:21-28