"You see, he didn't have to go. He had a choice. He could have stayed. He could have kept his mouth shut. He could have ignored the call or at least postponed it. And had he chosen to stay, who would've known? Who would have blamed him? "He could have come back as a man in another era when society wasn't so volatile, when religion wasn't so stale, when people would listen better. "He could have come back when crosses were out of style. "But his heart wouldn't let him. If there was hesitation on the part of his humanity, it was overcome by the compassion of his divinity. His divinity heard the voices. His divinity heard the hopeless cries of the poor, the bitter accusations of the abandoned, the dangling despair of those who are trying to save themselves. "And you can be sure of one thing. Among the voices that found their way into that carpentry shop in Nazareth was your voice. Your silent prayers uttered on tearstained pillows were heard before they were said. Your deepest questions about death and eternity were answered before they were asked. And your direst need, your need for a Savior, was met before you ever sinned. "

-Max Lucado

healing

it's never easy. i spent a good part of my afternoon at the wound clinic. it appears that i have a tiny spot of my incision that is not healing properly. i won't bore you (or gross you out) with the details, but hopefully the course of treatment will help me be all better soon.

"my wound has to heal from the inside out"-- i've said those words many times since friday to people who have asked how my post-op visit went. but, tonight that simple sentence just took on a whole new meaning.

so many people hurt...i'm not the only person with a story of struggle, and i am definitely not the one with the most tragic story. when i look around i am so blessed.

however, since my surgery i truly feel healing from the inside out...not physically, but emotionally...spiritually. it seems kind of wierd that a surgery to hopefully "cure" my infertility would be the thing that helps me be okay if i never conceive, but it has. over the last two weeks i've come to the conclusion that i've done almost everything that human hands can do.

dr. honea told me that she was able to remove everything that needed to come out, and we would work aggressively to get pregnant to try to beat it before it grows back. so, that is the plan. i will continue to seek infertility treatments over the next few months, but if the tumors and adenomyosis beat me...then...oh gosh...can't believe i'm saying this...I'M DONE. if that happens i'm not going to act like i won't be crushed. i will be crushed. His grace is sufficient.

When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

Psalm 73:21-28

home and resting

I am home and resting. The surgery went well. Dr. Honea said that the tumor was a little smaller than she expected. However, there was quite a bit more adenomyosis than they expected. The good news is that they removed it all!

We arrived at the hospital around 9:30 and I did not go back for surgery until 2:00. Since I was not allowed to eat or drink after midnight the night before I was DYING! I experienced a lot of nausea after surgery, but once that was under control it has been smooth sailing. I had one more round of nausea Sunday morning because I took my pain meds on an empty stomach.

I had a nurse nicknamed "Sarge" on Saturday. Early Saturday morning the nurse removed my catheter. That afternoon Sarge came in and asked how many trips I had taken to the restroom. Well...the answer was 0. She did a scan of my bladder and discovered that it was dangerously full. She jerked me out of the bed so fast and had me speed walking up and down those halls. I was so mad at her. I was calling her ugly names under my breath. But..it worked. I discovered..you can get me to do just about anything if you threaten me with a catheter! Even though Sarge was rough in her approach she saved me from some real pain. When her shift was over she came and hugged me and wished me luck...she also reminded me to keep walking and moving. She does not play!!!

Anyway, I go back tomorrow to have my staples removed...I have six. Meanwhile, my husband is spoiling me. He is cleaning, doing laundry, grooming the dogs, grocery shopping, and putting up Christmas decorations. Norman and my mom put up the tree last night..it's so pretty!!! Now I am going to thoroughly enjoy these 2 weeks off! Happy Thanksgiving to All!!

Surgery Tomorrow

Just wanted to update everyone. I report to Brookwood at 9:30 am tomorrow (Friday)....not sure exactly what time the surgery will be.

I will be in the hospital 1-2 nights....more than likely coming home on Sunday.

I will keep you updated. :) And I don't have to ask for your prayers...I know you already have it covered!! Lots of love.....

YAY for Lisa and Clint!!

I asked for prayer for Clint and Lisa in my last post. I just hung up with Lisa...GUESS WHAT??? They got picked by a birthmom!! YAY! The baby is due in April. Lisa and Clint will meet the birthmom sometime in January. Please pray for the birthmom each day.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy. --Proverbs 13:12

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Surgery

It's official...I have a fibroid tumor the size of a half dollar in my uterus. Dr. Honea said that it's got to come out. Even if I had gotten pregnant, I would have miscarried. Thank you, Jesus, for protecting me from the heartache of a miscarriage. My surgery is scheduled for November 19th at Brookwood Hospital. I will be out of work for 2 weeks and fully recovered in 6 weeks. I hope I can still eat a big Thanksgiving meal! :)

Now, everyone's first question is, "How are they just now seeing it? You have ultrasounds several times a month??" Good question. But as I thought about it, this is what I have concluded. We did not seek fertility treatments all summer. In July we finally went back to the doctor. A red flag went up during that visit that indicated a possible fibroid. We didn't get pregnant....we didn't go back...until October. So, you can see that the fibroid could have been growing since sometime in the Spring.

On another note, I have a very special prayer request. I have not traveled down this road alone. I have a dear friend, Lisa, who has been travelling the same road. Her and her husband, Clint, have decided to pursue adoption. Their "book" is being shown to a birth mother next week. Please pray for the mother as she makes this difficult decision. Also, pray for Lisa and Clint as they are waiting to hear.

LISTEN TO THE MUSTN'TS
Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me--
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.
--Shel Silverstein

I had to decorate a table at a reading conference this week. My theme was "Where the Sidewalk Ends" by Shel Silverstein. I just fell in love with this poem.